No, this transcends politics. It isn't about "yellow" versus whatever name they use for themselves nowadays. This is, and has always been, about us as a nation. About the dictatorship we went through, what our people went through as one. And if you are so privileged to think nothing of this insult and what it entails, then bless you, for you are so fortunate. You are so fortunate that nobody in your midst personally suffered the despair of knowing the terrorist and the government coming together as one. You are so fortunate that your family never had to fear being disappeared for something as small as wearing a yellow shirt. You are so fortunate. But make no mistake: your good fortune does not and shall never invalidate the misfortune so many of our countrymen faced. You who are so smug, so victorious when your nation weeps, you are so fortunate. May your children know your good fortune for generations to come.
If you're reading this, you'd know that I've been going through stuff regarding my yoga community recently and I've been delinquent in attending class.
Because I can't take their holier-than-all-God-protects-me bullshit, I've started to just unfollow them, everywhere. I've come to terms with the fact that I resent them, for not seeing things the way I see them (immature as it sounds, it's still true, and I'm working on that), and for seemingly not making the effort to try to understand. For not reaching out, for seemingly being afraid or proud or indifferent, to even ask.
(I mean, yeah. Who am I to them, in the grand scheme of things? I'm just another classmate. That stings more than it should, considering that I've held such respect for them, such genuine esteem, and it came as a shock of sorts to find that it was not reciprocated. So it's a blow to the ego, among other things, and maybe I'm using their close-mindedness to justify my hurts, but yeah. I can't prod into that too much right now.)
A few days ago, I was writing, "Is there a kind way to say, I've outgrown you?" And today, the Universe responded to me in kind.
Dianne posted a photo of some random book she saw in her doctor's waiting room. She opened it and saw something about Grace, snapped a photo and went into the doctor's office. She said it was only later that she saw that the time she'd snapped it was 1:11, and she takes the repeating numbers as a sign from the universe.
I read what she posted, and it echoed something I posted sometime ago: a few words from Gandhi, that whatever we do will be insignificant, but it is of utmost importance that we do it anyway.
The passage she posted reads:
- "GRACE. It is not what I do that will be significant and lasting but what I allow to be done in me by grace, by god's life acting in me. What I do is limited and will fade or fail. What grace can do in me and through me is limitless, coextensive with what God is doing in the world. This is unexpected and more than might be hoped for were it not for the fact that just such surprises are revealed in Jesus as the will of God for us. "The one who acts in holiness is holy indeed, even as the Son is holy" (1 John 3:7)."
I saw that post at 10:10am.
And I guess, what I'm trying to say is, I haven't set foot in her class in more than a month, and I'm still learning from her. I hate it a little bit, and I love it just the same, because we can never escape the ties that bond us.
It's like the universe is telling me, we're not done with each other yet. I still have things to learn from her, and maybe she has something to gain from interacting with me. So I need to grow up and go back to class at some point.
I'm rebelling because I still don't want to. But that's only because I think there's a deadline to this. There will be no deadlines, right? For as long as she's teaching, or even when she's stopped. The universe will put her back in my path when I'm ripe for it.
All I have to do is work on myself. And if that means I have to stop attending her class and that self-centered "transcendent" group, then so be it. If it means expanding my consciousness to politics right now, then so be it. Service is calling me and I must answer.
I have lived lifetimes, I remember Socheat telling me, as he held my outstretched hand in a quiet corner in Ankor Wat, my palm facing the sun. He traced my lines and said, I've lived maybe two, three cycles, I am nearing nirvana.
Will this lifetime tack me back or take me further?
And I remember sitting in a warm tub, the soft scent of sugar lingering in the air, my girlfriend sitting across me, whispering across the water, 'how can you stay positive even after all you've been through?'
And I told her my truth, which I hold with me forever:
I am a child of the Universe, and I am never astray.
Fun fact: my last post went up at 2:02 PM haha
So, I'm taking a break from all my studying (I'm taking a refresher course and my midterms are TODAY) to just have a little rant about my yoga community and the unbelievable bullshit they have all been spewing. And yes, I cuss because their ignorance (and willingness into it) kills my zen every single time.
Now, the thing is, I have been through all sorts of self-checking over this and no, it's not just my problem anymore. I've done all the soul-searching I can and as it seems, I'm just not mature enough to go back just yet. Not when everytime I'm on my mat with them, I remember them defending that asshole they've elected as President, who is a self-confessed murderer, womanizer, and hasn't got a stately bone in his body because all he spews is bull-fucking-shit.
Now, if you're not aware, yes, I'm from the Philippines. Read up on Rodrigo Duterte and you'll know why I'm so pissed off.
So back to my yoga community. We're ashtangis, and that's pretty difficult to come by, when you're where I'm from. Ashtangi communities are small, and more ....exclusive. Mainly because one of the teachings is to look inward and not outward, to learn discipline towards the self. The poses hurt because they break you in, and it isn't glamorous at all. And let's face it, a lot of people go into yoga because of the lifestyle and how graceful people look. But in Ashtanga, you learn to let that go -- you embrace the pain and the sweat and soon enough, the pretty yogi image just fades out, because you know that's the facade. The real work cannot be documented, and what's the point? Nobody will face the exact same experience you're facing.
(It sounds like a downer, but it's really not. It's more of... you carve your own path, and it's your own discipline which will shape your practice. Nobody ever walks the exact same path as you, because you're the only one who'll ever make your choices, ja feel?)
But anyway, the point being, when you really start to get down into practice, you stop advertising. So Ashtangis are hard to find. What's more is that it's a practice that sets up at certain time periods of the day, and demands commitment from its members, so no, you can't just walk into a Mysore class that one time. You are pre-approved. Pretty much like going down to Mysore, India and wanting to practice at a Shala.
So for a really long time, I felt so blessed that I'd found my community. My teacher lives in the same village as me, and we practice relatively nearby. I had a regular practice of at least once to thrice a week. This was before the elections and the campaign period.
See, the thing is, I'm politically outspoken. But none of those things come up during yoga class, so maybe when the campaign period rolled around they were surprised and taken aback by how adamant I was that the current President shouldn't win. It was a bloody campaign, and it took many friendships down with it. But the disappointment, for me, didn't come from the fact that they chose to support him: it's that they supported him and decided to shut their ears out to everyone else. Suddenly, everyone who didn't support him was against them, and it was ad hominems all around.
(I hated it; these people who'd never even USED the word 'oligarchy' since high school were suddenly throwing it left and right. They throw the word 'sheeple' as an insult when, let's face it, they were the ones falling for the massive propaganda and it was just. It was disheartening.)
You couldn't even engage in a conversation with them over it on facebook -- you can't comment on their posts because then you'd be "bastos" -- that roughly means 'rude'. I tried, once, and as you may have noticed, I post in English. Because I'm comfortable with it. But for some reason, when I tried talking to them about the issue (in English), I was suddenly portrayed as elitist, and 'conyo' -- a derogatory term they use to refer to someone who speaks English to emulate someone of a higher social status. (Damn, that's a mouthful).
I thought that would be the worst of it, until someone got one of my posts removed (?) and wouldn't even own up to it. One threatened me to see her about it, and by 'threaten', I mean she was referring to being a mean girl back in high school and i was supposedly bringing that old girl back. (It was so pathetic. Come on. I had my glory days in high school, I don't need to relive them. People who revert to their high school selves to feel better are people who definitely peaked in high school. Shame.)
so that's easily half of my good friends in that community going batshit. But then, my teacher also expresses support for him, and I just, well, sure, then.
I guess I'm dealing with a lot of disillusionment.
I just don't understand how someone who's supposed to advocate for non-violence and 'do no harm' could rally behind someone who is practically screeching 'death to all drug pushers and users.' I can't believe these same people who say 'namaste' could dismiss an extrajudicial killing and go, 'yeah, he deserved it. run all you motherfucking criminals, run.' Do they really see the light in other people? Or maybe they've forgotten that even criminals (especially the innocents falsely accused) are people, too?
I'm not saying criminals should go unpunished. Not at all. But that's what our system is for. Take them to court. Make the system work, is what I'm saying, because I've studied it and it is a fucking beaut. Judicial review is a gorgeous doctrine crafted by brilliant legal minds, and the criminal system is flawed because its implementation side is pure human, not because the system itself is wrong. So why abandon something so great just because you can't discipline the people?
And there's the thing, and it was a thrust of Duterte's campaign -- we need discipline. But these people can't even discipline themselves into looking deeper into matters -- into putting in fact checks and research before reposting something on social media. They fail to realize that they themselves are agents of the very evil they sought to put down. And yet.
I don't know what they're thinking when they're on their mats. Maybe the point was to think of nothing else. I could do that, for a time, but now these classmates are visual reminders of how much further I need to go if I am to help further change along.
And I just can't right now. I can't. I can't take being in the same room as these people who call others "sheeple" whne they're the sheeple themselves. I can't stomach their hipocrisy.
But this is all nothing, could just be a small misunderstanding, but there's no way of hashing things out because they don't want to ever talk about it. How dare I attack them, or something, for their beliefs? Little ol' me with my English and my law degree, which I have never brought up?
And that's why I haven't attended class.
I'm not going to assume I actually have readers here, but I just needed an outlet for my thoughts.
The Philippine elections have been heated for the last few weeks, and in the days leading up to elections, I've exercised more restraint than I have in my entire life. Over on facebook, I've tried to engage people in discussions I hadn't thought I'd ever have with them, mainly because as friends I had thought we may take similar stands as to issues. I was naive, and I admit that, and I paid the price for it.
When Duterte made that rape joke, he crossed a line which I, as an advocate for gender equality, could no longer tolerate in silence. So when a friend of mine defended him, I asked him not to stand by such behavior. Vote for him, but call him out for whatever wrong he's done. It ended on a foul note, during that conversation which would have taken an hour at most, face to face, but took an entire day on social media. It went everywhere, when all I wanted was to get people to start thinking about the roots of such behavior, the ideology it propagates and why it should not be ignored. Instead, they steered it into why I believed myself to have a monopoly on what is moral and what isn't.
Among these instances, I've had someone tell me off for being a child, for being "conyotic", names that I've been called before so they matter little. The worst, I thought, would be that they used my not having passed the bar (again) against me, but no, this was nothing compared to this.
There is a herd mentality that has taken over my yoga community, and it stems from a difference in political beliefs, exacerbated by, well, louder and more aggressive voices. There's one of them, that one person I tried to have a conversation with about the rape joke, who is now intent on telling everyone that I'm arrogant, because I have a law degree.
I'd like to clarify that I have never once used my law degree to put someone down. But she keeps bringing it up. Over and over and over.
I'm over it. I'm over her. But I will NOT silence her voice by unfollowing her on social media. It isn't because of pride. It's because I need to keep opposing voices to keep me grounded.
I can't surround myself only with people who think similarly to me, or I'd end up like them. Thinking as one herd, believing the same thing and judging others solely because someone else validates my opinion? Barf. I'd like to think I'm more mature than that, and that I've grown out of that.
There's so many things I want to say about this person. Hateful words like "peaked in high school" or "sister issues" come to mind. I grew up observing people, and I know a thing or two about finding a person's weakest spots/greatest insecurities. I am fascinated by people, and It's mainly why I decided to go into law -- because I want to help people. Their mistake was in thinking that I am not weaponized.
I stopped myself fom becoming a weapon (for politics, for anything) early on. But it's always there. Sometimes the call to attack is so familiar, it's so instinctive, that I literally have to step away lest I forget that I am on the path to peace.
But Lord, do they test me.
I want to be immature, for the first time in forever, and to just. Take a small jab. Please, I'm begging for permission here. But in the end, I stop myself, because I am not them. I am not like them.
What pisses me off the most is that they have declared themselves YOGIS. People who are seeking inner peace and truth, and yet they judge. Sure, they're only human, but as the person subject of attack it is very difficult to maintain objectivity and not want to judge them.
God. Y U GOTTA TEST ME LIKE DIS
I was submitting work to one of my bosses today, and he asked me when the results were coming out. And then he asked me how I think I did in the last exams, because, well, they (partners) had been talking about me.
And he said that everyone agreed I produce great output. I write well, I'm accurate. E bakit raw ako nadidisgrasya. And then he said our managing partner told them that I get scared during the exams, which is true.
And he tells me, why do you get scared?
And I tell him it's because I always feel like I'm running out of time. WHen they ask me to do things for them, I can handle my own time.
And I tell him, honestly, Sir, I don't take exams well.
And on the one hand, it feels nice to me that it's mind-boggling for them why for the life of me, I haven't passed the bar. But at the same time, I can't promise them anything. All I know is that I desperately want to make it, that I desperately need it. I'm losing my mind over it.
And I'm a mess over it now, because up until that conversation, I'd done a good job of convincing myself that I'd done enough. And when he mentioned our managing partner, it just. It took me back to that day, and I still feel as raw and as humiliated, and it broke me open in ways I thought I'd healed from.
I just thought I'd jot it here, because it's something that happens, and I have to let you know you're not alone.
And I have to stop apologizing for all the ways I've been broken.
(And now all I can think of is, I have serious demons to face on my mat this weekend. Fuck.)
So I came across this article that was in my yoga facebook group: http://www.elephantjournal.com/2014/09/3-reasons-ashtanga-is-the-most-hated-style-of-yoga-hanna-bier/
It basically described how the style of yoga I practiced, being the yoga of no, and the yoga of pain, is clearly least-loved among all forms of yoga, and why. And I had feelings about reading it, which I instinctively wanted to post up on my facebook wall. But then I started writing the status to go with it, and I just felt like, if I'm going to be talking about my feelings, I'd rather put it somewhere people would care. Just, why did I instinctively feel the need to put it up somewhere I knew (believed) it could get likes? For validation? Was I putting it up there to inform people about my style of yoga? Really? When the title of the article was, and I shit you know, about why it was the most hated type of yoga there was? I didn't feel like it would reach out to people. It was more of a circle-jerk thing. Because the only people who'd read that are those who already love ashtanga, and for that feeling of validation you get when you read that yep, that is exactly why you're in love with it. So it wasn't an inclusion thing. It was an exclusionary thing. and i felt that it ultimately would've defeated any purpose I would have had, to put it out there for more people to try.
I am a yogi, and I've been practicing Ashtanga for close to two years now. For all of you who are Ashtangis here and are curious: I'm still on Primary. Close to completing it, but only because my kind teacher has a kind-of different and personal approach to the series. I still can't bind on my own in Marichyasanas C and D. I hate those goddamned twist-binds. I can't do a full Supta Kurmasana just yet. I haven't gotten down mastering Garbhapindasana and the 9 rolls-up and down, and I sure as hell cannot come up to Kukkutasana afterwards. My transitions are wank and I can barely get up on Tittibhasana, much less keep it up into transitioning into Bakasana. But I've pretty much made it to Setu Banddhasana, save for those modifications.
(I know. For an outsider it probably sounds like a whole lot of gibberish. I never even thought I'd be able to learn sanskrit, for all that I hated reading it.)
My teacher has helped me grow so much. And while practice is a teacher in its own way, I feel like having a teacher who knows you in and out through practice really goes a long way. I've been with the same teacher since I started, and it's only because she knows me and how I get towards my practice that she's let me do more poses than a stricter, more traditional teacher would have allowed. I think it's because she knows that I need to feel my growth somewhere, and that the longer I stew in one pose without feeling my progress anywhere, I'd just get discouraged and may decide to drop it altogether. She knows I'm more afraid of being cramped in small spaces, so she makes sure to keep me in just a little bit longer in kurmasana, every single time. She knows I need more help going down in dropbacks than I do going back up, because I'm more scared of not knowing where I'm going than going back the way I came. And she knows when to reel me back in -- I'd been trying to go for handstands (and was succeeding, too), for reasons reasons -- and she told me, come back to primary, work on my transitions, and it put me right back in the moment.
(my god, i'm a rambler)
Practice is its own (i'm making hand gestures here to depict that it's a mass and form and living being, and principle, whathaveyou, because there are no words). It's really something else. I think the article was right about Ashtanga in that it's not a physical practice. Well, yeah, it is, because there are poses, and you sweat and cry through them and get frustrated and victorious and it's a journey like nothing else, but where it takes you, mentally, is not for the faint of heart.
It forces you to confront yourself with things you'd buried in the back of your mind because you fucking didn't want to think about them. But when you're literally a human pretzel with nothing but the silence of the room and your breath for company, you start to hear yourself clearly, and eventually you realize there is nowhere to freaking run from your own voice, from yourself.
And let's be honest. The past few years have been fucking hard. I can be in autopilot and momentarily forget that I am still in fucking limbo and do my job and earn that paper, but when I get down on that mat, there is no autopilot.
Getting down in the mat is hitting that reset button. You start at the very beggining, and work back up to where you last were. And everything you found difficult before, you see along the way. There's no other way to get there. First, you'll see shortcuts, and you'll take them. But eventually, you realize these shortcuts are detours and they lead nowhere, because you can cheat on this pose here, but because it's foundational, unless you do it right, you won't be able to unlock the other poses down the road.
And because you have to make meaning out of this madness, you begin to see this pattern everywhere else in your life. Like how you might be taking the easy road because you're lazy and substantial compliance is really all you need to put up there. Or maybe your journey is telling you that goddamn, maybe the reason I can't do this is I'm too freaking heavy to lift myself so I need to lose weight, and so you do. Sometimes it doesn't have to be a big lifechanging orgasmic epiphany -- just getting to be in touch with your body again is a feat in and of itself.
But bottomline is, Ashtanga on the very surface, is physical. But all the heavy lifting, it's mental and psychological. You change because your mind grows, and you learn to be open to more kinds of people and more kinds of experiences, uncomfortable and strange as they may be. You realize phrases like "childhood pain is in your hips" aren't all that strange, or "the tightness in your lower back is due to financial instability." You know, because mind-body connection and psychology, and being open.
You start out taking so many pictures, documenting your journey, and later on, realize you don't need to take pictures of your poses anymore, because how do you take a picture of your change in perspective?
So, yeah. I started out this journal entry because I had a lot of feelings, and a lot to say. And in ways, I think I always will have a lot to say about yoga, and ashtanga, and how much i love it and how I'll always come back to my mat. And I don't need validation or likes for that, because the only validation I need is from myself. Sounds awfully cliche, doesn't it? Being cliche isn't really so bad.
So it's been ages since I last updated. Hurrah hurrah. Sorry about that. But there simply was no time in between studying for the Bar (again) and actually taking the fucking Bar (again). And since it's been about two months, I think it's safe to say that I've settled back into the office/firm life and can start blogging about it.
Which, shitty, right about now.
Let me start off by stating that I work in a great firm. One of the things they promised me was a work-life balance which was a foreign concept to most law firms. And so far they'd been able to deliver on that promise. I can still go out on weekends. Yay. And I earn just about enough to keep me happy.
Except that part of why I love my firm is that I've grown to see the people in it as my family. And in the past year, all my closest friends have either left the firm or are planning on leaving, and I just. I plainly can't see myself enjoying going to work if i'm just going in to work. Do you get me?
So that's one of the things that's bumming me out right now. It's that pretty soon, I know I'll possibly leave my firm. Because it hasn't been kind to my friends :(
Another thing that's been bumming me out is my salary. I mean, it's fine, but I just found out that there are people out there who do less than me but earn at least 10k more than me per month. Like what. I should've just quit and started working for the fucking government ages ago. Especially with the wage hike that's upcoming. Fuck this.
I wasn't going to be unhappy. I was supposed to be grateful. For this opportunity, for still having a job, for being able to find and keep my job despite my Bar failings. But right now, I just feel angry.
Because I deserve fucking better. I deserve better than to lose my friends. Or to not get a raise on my pay just because I haven't fucking passed the fucking bar. I deserve to have passed that Bar. a;dlkfja;sdlkjf;alskdjfowieuproiejf;lkand;lvkja
Bottomline is, I need to fucking pass the bar. That way I'll know for sure if this is what I'm meant to do, and this is where I'm meant to be. I need to pass the fucking Bar.
What people don't tell you about the whole Bar ordeal is that it,s fucking lonely. The review is lonely, because nobody really understands what you're going through. Your family doesn't know what sort of shit you put yourself through studying all day every damn day because you're fucking terrified of not passing a fucking set of exams. Afterwards, it's lonely being scared about the results, and even though you have friends there who are also waiting on the results, there's nothkng anyone can say that will convince you that you're going to pass for sure. Because it will never be a sure thing. Not until results are out and they're positive.
And if they are, then the ordeal is over for you. Great job. But if you're like me, it goes on. There is literally nobody in this earth who can pull you out of your slump except for yourself. So if you cant figure out how, you're stuck.
Maybe the lesson here is really just self-reliance. You realize that in the end, it's you versus this exam. You versus yourself as you keep studying, as you keep waiting, as you keep hoping, and keep fighting to stay alive one more day.
If you're looking for a sign not to kill yourself tonight, this is it. Look no further.
It's a lonely road, yeah. But its bound to end up somewhere.
I just want to get wherever this road is taking me, because i am fucking done with this shit.
What my family doesn't get:
- the toughest part about failing the bar is having to pick myself back up and genuinely believe i have what it takes to make it
- doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result is insanity. So i change it up in the way I feel I need to.
- having to explain my decisions are tiring and i would rather not go there. So while i know it's not easy for you to understand why i choose to skip traditional study methods and shit, or to trust me at all because i havent exactly proven i am a smart being after all, dont question me. I have weighed my options and decided as i see fit. The last thing i need now is to go back to questioning even my most basic ability to weigh my choices.
- maybe i shouldve taken a medical degree instead. Maybe i ahouldve taken any other course instead. That wouldve hurt less than this.
- most days i would rather get hit by a truck than do this.
- saying 'money is renewable and we will make it work so dont worry about it' and actually meaning it are different. I dont expect you to give me everything but i always pay my debts. And i never ask unless i need it.
- part of why i failed the bar was my reading material. Approximately how much did you contribute for that? Oh yeah. Zero.
- if people in my profession respect me and my work enough that i am filing shit at the supreme court level and im doing work as next in line to someone who is practically a corp sec of major company, who are you to question my ability?
I thought i was having a good day. All it takes is a text.
It's been a while since I last posted, and that's pretty much because my stress response has always been to make myself feel productive. So I've been working, doing the grind, as usual, and proving to my law firm that they aren't wrong in keeping me. I repay their kindness with all I've got to give, which is, well, my brand of service.
Which isn't to say that I've been successful at being 100% on. I haven't. It took a while to get back into my zone, and even then, I seesaw. Some days I'm a machine and I can clear all of my pending shit within the day, including pleadings. Other days I don't want to do shit, but I have to report to work anyway.
I've gotten to the point where I've only got what, 3 things left on my tab from the usual grind of 15 per day. It's only morning. But I'm feeling scattered again, and I find that when I feel like this, I can't do much, even when I push.
So I'm here, trying to sort out all of my feels so I can get back to work.
Something that people don't tell you about not passing the bar is that you don't really get over it. You lose the bitterness, or maybe you don't acquire that at all, but it stings when your batchmates take their oath and it sinks in that you didn't make it. Or, if you're in a law firm like me while waiting for the results, it stings that your batchmates in the firm are suddenly able to attend court hearings and shit on their own, or sign the fucking pleadings, and you're still at the same spot you were before. And you've been doing lawyer work for how long. You're a lawyer everywhere but on paper, anywhere else except where it counts.
So there's always a low-key sadness that's so constant you sometimes forget it's there. But things happen and you notice it, or it builds up sometimes, and you have to work to keep it at bay again.
I've known this sadness for more than a year now, so it's no stranger to me. But this coming week is my last right before my study break (study leave, for the Bar) and I know that when I come back, I'll have been left behind again.
I hate feeling like this, like I'm not performing as well as I know I can.
It's true that most law students and lawyers are Type A personalities. While I'm pretty laid back and chill, in the end, I find I'm output-based. I will slack off when I want to but I will get shit done. So not passing the bar has been a huge blow to me, because it is the one thing that I have not gotten done and I want to fix it, but fixing it takes too damn long.
If you're in the same boat, I guess all I can say is that people will tell you all loads of bullshit. Some will tell you that God intended things to go one way. THat it's a matter of luck, too. Some will tell you to pray harder next time, or study the right things. Be optimistic. It's all bullshit. None of what they say matter.
The only thing that matters is what you believe.
Being in this hole for a year, I know for a fact that there is nothing anyone can tell me that can get me out of this rut. I'm the only one who can take myself out of here. I refuse to be a self-pitying pathetic being. I will get myself out of it and I will figure it out on my own.
Leaning on other people would make you feel better. But unless you actually believe all the shit they spout, it won't mean a goddamn thing. Don't be fooled. In the end, it's just you and the Bar. So you have to be ready, all on your own. Or you won't make it.
It has to hurt. It has to hurt so much that you feel insulted. That you feel indignant and offended, because how could you, of all people, not pass the fucking bar? How could that shit-ass kid who can't form a proper sentence in English pass the bar, and leave you behind? You have to be mad. So mad and hurt that all you can think about is retribution. You will avenge yourself and leave madness in your wake.
Let it hurt, and let yourself be mad. Hurt so you'll never want to feel that way again. And that will keep you on the track to passing.
That was my mistake for take 2. I just took it and hightailed it with a smile on my face. I thanked the universe for the opportunity for greatness, I congratulated my friends, and accepted that everything was my fault. I'm not saying you have to become a villain here, not at all. Or maybe you should, if that works for you, but no guarantees you'll be happy afterwards. What I'm saying is, I didn't become afraid.
I felt invincible, after the first failure. I felt like, this was it, the worst has happened and I'm still alive. What fucking else could happen.
The second time hurts so much more. Wounds that haven't healed reopen, and they aren't clean cuts at all. Time to scar your scars.
For the first time in my life, I felt small and it is terrifying. I have questioned my ability to comprehend the law, when I knew for a fact that my work is valued for my ability to comprehensively spot issues and address them. I have become afraid of sitting down for an exam. And it's a fear I try to conquer every week.
So, yeah. Let it hurt.
And for now, I'm taking my own advice and letting it hurt like a bitch.
Once more, into the breach.
- Mood:fucking seething, smad
- Music:Someone New, Hozier